I lost my keys…

June 26, 2013

Yes, I lost my keys. I went to the post office yesterday, went to dig out my key ring with the post office box key on it and it wasn’t there.

Now, I’m a key-phobe…I am terrified of losing my keys, being locked out of my house, not being able to access my car, losing a HUGE piece of my life. As a result, I ALWAYS know where my keys are. If they aren’t in my purse, I can at least usually track them back to the last bag of groceries I brought into the kitchen or in the back pocket of the pants I was wearing.

So I wasn’t panicked when I couldn’t find the keys…I just borrowed my husband’s post office box key and knew I would find them when I got home. All the way home, I searched the floor and under the seat of the car…nothing.  When I got home, I emptied my purse onto the couch…nothing. Over the following 24 hours, we searched the house, the yard, under the bed…there are only so many places to look when one lives in a two room house and only goes out every few days or so (and out is often the post office and/or the little market up the road). I was distraught. As my husband was leaving town, I borrowed his car key, house key and post office key to get by. And I fretted and fretted and fretted (I do that really well, fretting)…

Of course, the mystery of the missing keys just fed into my sometimes pathological fear of Alzheimer’s and/or dementia. I don’t EVER want to be trapped in my body without my mind. And my little episodes of forgetfulness have increased since…well, I guess since the onset of menopause a gazillion years ago. So many of my friends complain about the same thing, so I have to think that this is somehow a hormonal reaction rather than something more sinister. I always tell them it is because we have so much wisdom jammed in, something has to leak out in order for there to be room for new wisdom!

And the good news comes as a result of living in a tiny little town…I left my keys at the post office the day before I discovered them lost and the postmaster put them in my post office box! PHEW!!!!!

Hmmmm…wish this made me worry less about the state of my brain, but at least I have my keys!



April 24, 2012

OK, I know that sounds really kinky, but the whole world has been talking about SPANX…the story of the woman who invented SPANX, the fact that a lot of those smooth lines and sexy curves we see on TV are presented to us by SPANX-like gut and fanny tamers…now it seems that SPANX have come to the rest of us.

Thanks to pregnancies, menopause and the good life, I carry extra weight around my mid-section…it was only slightly heartening to read that this is a common condition in women “of a certain age”. The last play I did, The Dixie Swim Club, required that I make lots of costume changes backstage in the wings, space shared with the all-male set crew. For that show, I purchased my first one-piece foundation garment which provided a modicum of modesty…the fact that the garment also provided a bit of girdle-action wasn’t lost on me. But to wear it any other time just didn’t seem to be in the cards.

Then, along came my first pair of SPANX…I just couldn’t resist. I took them on their “maiden” voyage to enjoy brunch with my dad-in-law last Sunday. For starters, it took me 15 minutes AND a full-body workout to get into the thing. I know that I bought the right size, but the “right” size means a very “tight” size. Oh my gosh…but once I wriggled them all the way up over the rolls and lumps and back fat, I was suitably impressed. The garment doesn’t hide the bulk so much as distribute it into smoother lines. It encourages good posture which helps with the overall look of the body, anyway. The hus noticed, said it was a good look…and I made it through brunch without feeling too sausage-like. Overall, I am impressed. Won’t wear them every day under my jeans and shirts, but might pull them out for a night on the town. Thank you, Sara Blakely, inventor of SPANX!

P.S. I did no research on this prior to blogging, but I focus on and name SPANX exclusively because that is the brand name that comes to mind and the one I purchased.l I’m sure there are lots of other brands of gut and fanny tamers out there and I am NOT saying that those products aren’t as good as or better than SPANX. So, there.

Menopausal mumblings…

February 17, 2012

Do you think that title scared anyone off? This is to my pausing and paused friends, although it could be construed as an eye toward the future to our young ones.

I have been long paused…10 years or so…I have seen my body go from “slightly out-of-shape but still a remote reflection of the body of my youth” to “ohmygod, that’s not me, that’s my mom…ohmygod, that IS me…what are those rolls around my bra line and I don’t have THAT many chins…my middle has become a barrel and I keep saying I’m so fat and for the first time I have 30 pounds to lose, not the 5 pounds of my youth and…” Again, if you are on the journey, you know whereof I speak.

But, damn…I just can’t go on like this. Yes, I am heavier than I have ever been…yes, my midsection now lacks a waist and has gained girth. But I still look good…I smile a lot and when you are smiling, the lines and wrinkles and discolorations aren’t as apparent. I hide most of the bulk with black and pops of color. I stand up straight, sit up straight…makes the 3/4″ in height I’ve lost not so visible. And, if I really want to take the time and effort, I can doll myself up with make-up and hair so that the rest of me is consigned to the shadows.

I eat pretty well…I get a little exercise…I exercise my brain with Words with Friends and Scrabble and Word Search and doing our taxes and Rachel Maddow, Andrea Mitchell and NPR…I have a husband I love and who loves me…I tick off most of the boxes when it comes to enhancing my chances for a healthy rest-of-my-life…maybe that quest requires the extra 30 pounds, the thick middle…maybe someday I’ll figure it all out.

In the meantime, here’s a shout out to all my woman friends who have watched their physical selves change and grow…since it is happening to all of us, there must be a reason!

Great! NOT

January 17, 2008

One more thing for us post-menopausal, fat, sweaty, grumpy, sleepless women to be freaked out about.